Welcome New Recruits Of In Space We Brawl!

 

 
Fall in, soldier! I am tickled pink that you’ve decided to pry yourself away from repeats of Full House and join the Space Military Academy! I have been pining for the day that some yokel would grace my presence with their meandering talk of sniping and pwning! My life is now complete having seen the newest roster of Cadets that have oozed into my army, and am completely confident that we will not be annihilated should there be an invasion of anything bigger than guinea pigs!
 
I AM, OF COURSE, BEING SARCASTIC! You think you can just hop in the jump seat of the nearest trash can with lasers and become Ender Wiggins? THAT REFERENCE DOESN’T EVEN COMPUTE, AS ENDER NEVER FLEW HIMSELF! This isn’t your daddy’s copy of Asteroids! There is so much more to your ship than a triangle! Do you think you’re fast enough to rush up behind a pilot and frag him to bits before he turns around and shoves his plasma cannon so far up your exhaust port that you breathe energy? Or are you as slow as they come, and your only hope is to take enough shots on the chin that your enemy gets tired and you blow him to bits? The choice is yours, Cadet! The customization will completely melt your little mind, which hasn’t had to think beyond whether you want chicken or beef flavored Top Ramen!
 

 

You only want to fight the AI? That is your prerogative soldier, but can you play knowing that you’ve willingly told the world “I couldn’t fight a paper towel and win??!” YOU NEED TO BRAWL AGAINST OTHER SLIME MOLDS, CADET! Get online and fight faceless meat bags who may be slightly less terrible than you! Or find friends who will crowd around your screen and toast you in person so the feeling of smug victory is immediate! That’s why we invented the ansible, cadet! Instant Gratification!

 

 

Now that you’re riled up and ready to prove me wrong, you need to hurry up and WAIT! In Space We Brawl is coming exclusively to Playism at the end of the week, and there will be mayhem enough to shatter your fragile psyche like a sugar-spun ballerina in a hailstorm! You WILL drop your $8.99 to enter this arena, you WILL accept a 10% discount during launch week (making it only $8.10! Bargain!) and, when I finally meet you online in the arena, you will make me proud and not explode yourself on passing debris!

 

DISMISSED!

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *